Tesco … of California?!

September 21st, 2007, 10:08 am

Somebody told me of this yesterday and I simply could not believe it to be true. However, research this morning has proved this to be correct –

Forget The Beatles.

Forget David Beckham.

Forget Doctor Who.

The true British Invasion of America has begun.

Tesco is opening a line of supermarkets in the US, starting basically right down the street from me.fresh & easy logo, courtesy of Wikipedia

Los Angeles, as usual, is being the test-market guinea pig.

Oh, they’re being all cloak-and-dagger and all by giving themselves a different name (”fresh & easy” is the official name) but don’t let that fool you. It’s still Tesco.

I should have known this was coming when I started seeing HSBC Banks popping up all over the place (”Bringing you great British drama”).

You can see some photos of ugly parking lots with construction signs proving my words here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fresh_%26_Easy.

What’s next? Driving on the left side of the road, for friggin’ sakes?!

I do hear that they’re going to compete directly with Whole Foods, which might help knock those bastards’ prices down. I, for one, shall rejoice.

shiver

September 3rd, 2007, 4:02 pm

I like Wil Wheaton’s little Twitter post about today, which uses the word “fucking” and “hot” four or five times, and about nothing else.

Short, but sweet. Indeed, the man is right. I just got home from Whole Foods and it’s so hot that … well, that the air is not cool and human beings are unhappy. Yeah. I’m a wordsmith.

Okay, so on the way home, I saw the asshole of the day, and wanted to share his assholeness with you:

I’m driving along a 35-mph street, and a car passes me going the other way, said car being tailed in the most assholeish manner by an asshole in his asshole car. Nothing special in that. Lots of assholes in asshole cars along the road.

The only thing is that this asshole also happened to be reading a copy of LA Weekly while he tailed the person in front of him in his asshole-mobile.

I give him four out of five asshole-stars for putting some real effort into being an asshole.

boom

August 30th, 2007, 11:24 am

I woke up at three in the morning feeling awful. I think my spaghetti dinner hadn’t agreed with me or something, because the room was spinning.

Two minutes later the lightning starts.

We had just endured the hottest day of the year, and I’d already read the NWS weather statement which warned that there was going to be a heat spell lasting through the weekend which, worst of all, was going to “feature” very high nighttime lows (I totally hate that).

I trudge into my bathroom to wash my face, and then the first boom hits. And it’s frickin’ huge. I pause, wondering how the hell I am standing and listening to thunder following a day without a single cloud in the sky.

Then the big one happened. You know, the type of lightning where the thunder is absolutely simultaneous with the flash. It was so loud and so strong that I wondered for a moment if it had actually struck the house (fortunately, it hadn’t).

And then it rained.

In August, in Los Angeles, after the hottest day of the year.

Okay, so it was only for two minutes, but still. Freaky, man.

This morning it’s hot as hell again, and there’s not a cloud in the sky. But there is this odd sensation of humidity, like after a rain in the tropics.

I’m dreaming of the cool autumn…

dusk

March 16th, 2007, 8:10 pm

Spring Tree

Dusk can be a magical time of day — the work day is coming to a close (well, sort of), people are headed home to families, food, couches… and the heat of the day is easing up, the earth getting a chance to exhale.

It’s particularly important in Los Angeles after a smoggy day like today, when much of the smog has burned off and there’s a kind of serenity gained, a chance to take a breath and smell flowers and plants earlier obscured by the frenetic invasiveness of the day’s human contribution.

On days like this, dusk holds a lot of power for me. I gain sync again. My writing muse comes out. My outlook is better.

That’s why it’s magic.

a cautionary tale of sandglasses

February 19th, 2007, 4:06 pm

I only managed to get to over to the Westin hotel at LAX on Saturday for the revamped Strategicon’s Orccon (then spent Sunday working in a distracted haze imagining all the awesomeness I was undoubtedly missing out on).

In fact, there are probably a lucky few still there as I type this, holding on for dear life for the last half-day of the con. For most of us, President’s Day is one of those holidays “celebrated” only by the post offices and the banks of the country, which just makes our normal daily routine that much more inconvenient because all of a sudden you can’t send letters or deposit money … but you still have to do all the rest of what amounts to a regular old workday.

Anyway, flash back forty-eight hours to Saturday, a day entirely devoted to gaming and geekery, which is just fine by me.

And here’s one thing I noticed: as the day wore on there was this very powerful increase in energy, such that as the sun vanished into the Pacific, the buzz at the event — and the crowds — were many times greater than it had been when I arrived. The gaming rooms were literally teeming with people, and what had been a quiet and sedate open gaming room (mostly empty) at noontime was suddenly way, way too small for the purpose by six in the evening. And the din — man, it was noisy in there.

Rather bizarrely, considering the point of the whole enterprise, I got very little gaming in, but I did participate in a Space Dealer tournament. Now, Space Dealer has generated a lot of buzz since it took so many people by surprise at last year’s Essen Game Fair in Germany, and the sheer novelty factor of a European board game with a space theme (try to fill a hand counting the number of Eurogames with space themes — I dare you) is enough in itself to cause a certain stir.

But the real element that grabs people’s attention — I’ll call it a gimmick; more on that in a sec — is the fact that this game is entirely played in realtime, using little sandglasses which are, at least in theory, one-minute timepieces. The game itself is timed to last exactly thirty minutes (a cd with “space music” and a robot voice warning you of the remaining time is included in the box, but we just used a stopwatch at the con) at the end of which, that’s it, game over.

Succinctly put, Space Dealer is a game of building commodities and then sending them out in a little space ship to your opponents’ star systems to fulfill commodity “needs” that they have. In the middle of the table is this octagonal track which doubles as a kind of track of the star system (four corners of which represent the star system of each player) and also the scoring track. On the table in front of each player is a rather interesting card strip where you place cards from your hand first to develop technologies or commodity production centers, and then to deploy those cards, from whence they are used to manufacture commodities that you send off in your little spaceship. The cards are arrayed in a row in front of you once they are activated, and most of these cards — in addition to being your manufactories — also show the “needs” of your own solar system, which the other players can see and will try to fulfill by bringing their own spaceship round and dumping off the commodities for those cards that haven’t been filled.

Once a card’s needs have been met, the player who’s done so places a scoring block in that player’s color on the card and scores a certain number of points for herself, and then a certain number of points for the player whose card’s needs have just been met (which is generally proportionately less than the player who’s brought the commodities: for example, 3 points for the commodity-bringer, 1 point for the player who’s card was just fulfilled). In this way, every time a score is made from a supply run, usually two players are receiving scores. Once that need is met, it’s out of the game and no one else can score for it, which turns Space Dealer into something of a race. The guy who won the second game (hands down I might add) beat me cleanly to nearly every need that I was on my way to fulfill, so there’s strong competition to get your commodities to those needs before someone else does, and snag those points.

For every action in this sequence you want to fulfill, one of your sandglasses is placed on the spot and, when the sand runs out, that activity can be performed. It’s very linear: you build a technology/production card with one sandglass, then you manufacture the commodity that card provides with another sandglass, then you travel one star system with one sandglass, until you finally reach the star system of the player who has a need your equipped to fulfill. Then you use another sandglass to get your empty spaceship back, and so on. Thus the realtime nature of the game.

In quintessential Germanic fashion, all the commodities are just little colored wooden cubes, and the needs printed on each card that you’re sending your spaceship out to fulfill are printed with a row of squares. You have to deliver all of the needed colors simultaneously in order to score for that particular need, and the more colors printed on that particular card, the higher the score when you fulfill that need.

It’s a rather simple game mechanic, and it’s the realtime nature with those crazy sandglasses that makes the game stand out (other than the very rare sci-fi theme). But after two plays I have very mixed opinions of the whole realtime mechanic. I found for one thing that it severely cut down on player interaction — I don’t think I’ve ever played a game that was so quiet. I don’t think I actually ever heard the player to my right speak even once during the entire 30 minutes of my second game, and from my point of view that just can’t be right. And because each player is so concerned with performing a task as quickly as possible, and racing to get those needs fulfilled soonest, it’s very hard to really stay all that aware of what the other players are doing, so I feel that there’s an enormous chance for rules to be misinterpreted or mistakes to be made (not necessarily intentionally) and go unnoticed. I would definitely say that Space Dealer needs to be played only by people who very firmly understand the rules, because once the clock is ticking, it’s just not that easy to get questions answered or to have other players even notice if you’re doing something wrong.

At the end of the day, most of Space Dealer’s unique appeal comes from the realtime aspect, and it’s this very aspect which I think is something more akin to a gimmick than a real strong mechanic. By the end of my second game, I’d kind of had my fill of the thing. Some of the other mechanics are nice in the game — I like the way each player’s table area is set up, and the way these cards are both commodity manufactories and needs at the same time, but ironically enough these other mechanics are sort of marginalized by those damned sandglasses, and I think that ultimately I just got tired of sitting and staring at the sands run through and then rush like mad to move my little cardboard spaceship around.

Some freeform thoughts from the rest of the day:

I bought a mostly unpunched copy of the legendary Magic Realm from a dealer who was — wait for this — dressed entirely and convincingly in cowboy attire. I’m not talking about Roy Rogers glitter-girl attire, I’m talking Snake Plissken in Tombstone attire. He was also a really nice guy and gave me a kick-ass deal on a game I’ve wanted for a long time. His six-shooters in his holster may have helped me to be a real nice guy too.

GMT Games is fucking awesome. They had a booth — right next to the cowboy dude — and I was drooling and reaching for various types of plastic and bills to buy, well, everything when a little voice screeched in my head that, No, begging on street corners is not an acceptable and totally justifiable price to pay for some frickin’ awesome games. I walked away having spent just 16 bucks on a now-out-of-print copy of Knizia’s Battle Line a smugger, more self-righteous geek.

My friend Tewhill and I sat at the hotel bar for over half an hour after getting fair-piss weak beer while the bartender did a runner. I swear, the bar was unattended for almost an hour while we sat there and, you know, got kinda pissed off. (I walked by there two hours later and it was still empty.) Some guys just really push their luck. I hope he chokes on a moldy peanut.

There was a way-cool homemade schematic/map of the Serenity ship with each level (printed in color and embedded in Plexiglas) stacked on the level below with struts. It was really sweet, but I couldn’t fawn all over the creator because he was GMing the crew planetside while they delivered some stolen ore or something, doubtless on their way to having River run off and the Preacher get shot and nearly die so Jayne could riffle through everyone’s luggage while Mal found himself in the unfortunate situation of having to be a penniless hero, rather than a wealthy bad guy. Or something.

I discovered the Pulp Gamer podcast (http://www.pulpgamer.com, natch) purely as a result of seeing the dude happily plugging away on his portable rig in the open gaming room. Looks like a good podcast and I’ve downloaded a couple of episodes.

Liz Rizzo was nerding it away in a huge session of Game Of Thrones, and I happily forced my way into the table, distracted her, and probably ensured that she lost soundly. Now, here’s the thing: if you go to her blog you’ll hear her speak with the most profound frankness about things like her purple friends, socially-conscious Hollywood schmooze fests, filmmaking, and, uh, a little more about her purple friend. But the open secret here is that she’s just a total geek like the rest of us. Don’t be fooled — she’s played Magic Realm more than I have. Don’t tell her I said this because I need to be really nice to her since she now has a job at a post-production house in Hollywood, and I’ll never know when I’ll need to pull a favor to get some post work done….

Finally, in the bathroom for a last whizz just before heading for home, I overheard this remark from a guy with long hair shaving at the sink: “Dude, have you ever noticed, Lars Ulrich is kind of a douchebag? But that’s okay, because he kicks ass.” Ah, the pleasures of gaming cons!

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orc horde besieges happless LAX

February 14th, 2007, 10:29 am

Orccon, one of the four annual game dork love-ins put on by the Strategicon people, is approaching this weekend, a chance for tons of gamers to get together, throw insults at one another, declare their love/hate of American style games, and share the body odor.

Actually, I have to say that I’m really looking forward to this, because it’s the first shot out of the gate for the newly-managed and newly-energized Strategicon group, a kind of gaming institution here in the land of smog and sand. His Majesty Lord Knizia will be presiding over events, lending his distinctive German analytical fame to the proceedings, and giving Strategicon a certain amount of international lustre. So it’s kind of all eyes on La-La Land as a hopefully better and brighter era is ushered in for gaming cons in this corner of the hemisphere.

As the first of a new chapter in gaming con history for Los Angeles, it couldn’t come at a more opportune moment, right on the heels as it is of the announcement by those jerks at Gencon that last Autumn’s Gencon SoCal was to be the last. I took this announcement with more or less the dignity of a toddler who’s tipped his milk off the high chair, because a concatenation of stellar incidents and a general alignment of the planets all designed to screw me over made sure that I was forced to miss out on GenCon SoCal. This was bad enough when I just thought I’d missed it for a year, but the last ever? That was pretty bloody crushing.

With GenCon SoCal fast fading into a nostalgic memory, and the sting of missing out on the last ever still smarting, I’ve set my sights squarely on the Strategicon chaps to replace that huge aching cavern of sorrow in my chest with a brimming pool of joy and gaming euphoria. And Reiner.

For those who don’t know, the reason this Strategicon is the first of a new era is that Strategicon is under new management. Gaming management. And like college-bound computer nerds at math camp, they’re desperate for the approval of their peers. Which is why there’s a sort of extra buzz surrounding this event, and why it seems to jammed with activity and gamingness. And Reiner.

For a little background on the Strategicon tale, check out Eric Burgess’ very nice boardgame podcast Boardgame Babylon for the tale. Eric will be a kind of major player in the convention proceedings, emceeing lots of the Reiner events (and perhaps holding Reiner’s sceptre and crown when he gets weary), and he’s in thick with all these Southern Californian boardgaming types, so he’s got the lowdown (besides, he’s a good podcaster).

Also, as any self-respecting nerdy enterprise does, Strategicon has its own website (duh): here.

Maybe I’ll see some of you there. I’ll probably be the one begging in the lobby for food money after spending my worldly all in the dealer’s room…

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here is your meaningless confirmation code, sir.

November 4th, 2006, 11:01 am

A couple weeks ago, knowing I would be out of town on voting day, I followed the instructions on my sample ballot and logged into lavote.net to apply for an absentee ballot.

I found the page on the site, entered all my info into the form, punched submit, and was presented with a confirmation page, complete with confirmation code of my submission (which I promptly wrote down).

Earlier this week, after really getting worried that my absentee ballot had never arrived, I called the absentee ballot number for Los Angeles County. The following exchange occurred:

Me: Hi, I filled out a form on your website for an absentee ballot and it hasn’t arrived yet, so I’m kinda worried. I have a confirmation code for that.

Ballot person: What’s your name?

Me: [I give her my name and soc and all that] … but wouldn’t you rather have my confirmation code?

Ballot person: [typing and a pause] You’re not registered in our computer.

Me: But I filled out the form at your website and it was confirmed. I have a confirmation code.

Ballot person: Well you’re not in the computer.

Me: Can I give you my confirmation code and you can check that way?

Ballot person: No. Um, I can’t do anything with that code.

Me: Can I apply for that absentee ballot now, then?

Ballot person: No, it’s too late.

Me: Oh, wonderful. So what am I supposed to do?

Ballot person: You can vote on Tuesday, or go to one of our early voting locations.

Me: I’m not going to be here on Tuesday. The whole point of applying for an absentee ballot is because I’m not going to be here Tuesday. Look, can I talk to one of your web engineers and give them my confirmation code to figure out what happened?

Ballot person: No you can’t talk to one of our web engineers.

Me: So basically this whole confirmation code I got is completely useless and doesn’t confirm anything.

Ballot person: Well.

That was that. I managed to find time to drive to the early voting polling place — the only one in the entire San Gabriel Valley — and do my voting there. But that doesn’t lessen the distaste of my experience.

The Internet will never be a valid and acceptable place to conduct important business like voting if pathetic worms who can’t program a fucking submission form are hired to run government websites.

I should have known not to trust lavote.net the moment I was confronted by a homepage using the most embarrassingly outdated table-based, clunky nonsense for a design. Gotta love that garish primary blue table cell background color for a sidebar, though.

Look, if I receive a confirmation code of any kind as the result of completing a process at any kind of website, I expect to be able to use that code as proof of my submission and as a reference number to enquire about the submission in the future. Am I to now assume that confirmation codes in the future can and very likely will be just so much useless numbers, and not a valid record of my submission at all?

taking you down, down, down, into the fire

July 25th, 2006, 11:40 pm

I’m not going to talk about the insane, sustained heat we’ve been enduring here in Los Angeles. Over at Blogging.la it seems that’s all they have the heart to discuss, and truly, it has been quite a trial. Wunderground.com suggests that the worse may be behind us, but anyway, I’m much more alarmed by friends and acquaintances in the UK and Ireland who indicate that the heat spell there is not going away, and seems to me to be frighteningly indicative of climatic shifts, global warming, whatever. A friend of a friend showed me a photo depicting all the wildfires currently burning all across the world — it’s horrendous. Could these be causing warming shifts in the temperature?

Anyway, I said I wasn’t going to talk about the heat and I just did. Frak. Let’s move on.

What’s worse than standing in line at the post office at 6 o’clock in the evening for over twenty minutes?

Standing in line at the post office at 6 o’clock in the evening for over twenty minutes when the friggin’ air-conditioning is broken. I have never seen so many unhappy people. Is this what comes of them raising all their rates, again? Man, sometimes I hate the US Postal Service enough that it endangers my health.

Later, after enduring the sweltering postal inferno, I found myself driving past the Santa Anita racetrack, a kind of strange, monstrous fixture that always struck me as somewhat awkwardly out of time, like a vestige of a less-populated, more wide-horizon era that somehow has managed to keep alive. It seems to do quite well for itself, but its grand and sweeping acreage always makes me think how nice it must have been here (and elsewhere) sixty years ago, before suburban sprawl, before choked freeways, before population booms and cheap ricky-ticky housing and afternoon rush hour.

Some years ago, I read a Frank Capra biography, and to my surprise discovered that the Pasadena area figured prominently in his life. Although Capra was raised in Lincoln Heights (across the street from a tomato sauce canning factory — I kid you not), which at the turn of the century housed a large Italian American population, he managed to find his way to the exceedingly wealthy Throop Academy (later to become Caltech) in Pasadena. His father, Salvatore, was a steward overseeing Japanese American farmers on a ranch up in the hills of Sierra Madre, which mostly grew fruit trees.

Before becoming involved in the film business, Capra worked as live-in tutor for the son of Lucky Baldwin, a somewhat eccentric coot who had made fortunes time and time again as an entrepreneur, and whose original racetrack and grounds would evolve into the present day Santa Anita racetrack, and the Los Angeles County Arboretum. In the late 19th century Baldwin’s estate stretched for thousands of acres, which he then subdivided and sold.

Although the racetrack which exists now bears no resemblance to the one Baldwin built, I invariably find myself imagining what it might have looked like around the track when he lived here with his 5,000 acres, his revolving door of mistresses, and his imported Indian peacocks (who now run wild in some neighborhoods of Arcadia), all those years ago. Before suburbs. Before the Santa Anita Fashion Park. Before the horseless carriage even.

I’ll bet it was magnificent.

As I looped round the track and started back toward home, I noticed the same tiny, dingy little shop with the closed blinds that I always notice, and the little sign on the door that I always notice:

ANALIST TURF

I chuckled, just as I always do. Analist? Is that someone who just really knows their stuff when it comes to anuses? Do analists have better turf than non-analists? Hey, what kind of turf is this anyway? Are we talking rectal turf here? Be sure to consult your family analist for all your turf needs.

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Photo by Wikipedia, used under Creative Commons

road bastard

July 15th, 2006, 10:54 am

Have any of you seen that Goofy cartoon in which the meek family man turns into a raving lunatic as soon as he gets behind the wheel? It’s probably the funniest cartoon I’ve ever seen, but even more importantly, it’s totally true. Driving can bring out the worst in people.

In point of fact, it is on the road where all that is wrong and twisted with the human race is given free reign, where all the repressed and submerged psychoses bubble to the surface, and men become monsters, women become … wyverns?

Shane Nickerson, in an effort to improve our lives and our society, has instituted the Asshole Fine. Basically this means that anyone who behaves in a manner Assholeish must pay a fine. Nearly all Assholeish behaviors are exhibited while driving. For example, driving a vehicle with a bumper sticker with any character from Calvin & Hobbes urinating. Instant Asshole Fine.

I would now like to dispense a mass Asshole Fine to about a thousand and one drivers. I shall explain.

To get across Pasadena, I often take one or the other of the broad avenues running from East to West. Most often, I find myself on Del Mar, which as any native of Pasadena will tell you, is probably the fastest way to cut across the city, especially when the 210 Freeway has gone into parking lot mode (i.e. nineteen hours out of every day).

Del Mar is a 35mph zone. I often go 40 to 45 (sorry, mom). Since the police are not friendly to me in a generalized sense, I’ll be damned if I risk another speeding ticket (yes, another — I still have nightmares) and push it to 50.

I really don’t think going 45 in a 35 zone is pokey, do you? Yet invariably some mofo creeps up on my tail and tries to basically drive up on top of me, in some pathetic bid to pressure me into going faster.

I’m not talking driving a bit close behind me. I’m talking driving up so close that it’s a miracle our bumpers don’t touch, until the tailgater’s car completely dominates my rear-view mirror. I’m talking about being so close that, if an animal or a kid ran in front of my car and I had to slam on the brakes in a hurry, the person behind me would have no distance to react, plow into me, and probably knock my own car forward into the animal/kid.

I fucking hate tailgaters. I think a special level of hell should be reserved for said fuckheads, where the fires get nice and toasty, and Shane’s Asshole Fine should be at the maximum permissable by law. If you are not a tailgater, thank you. If you are, please mend your ways and turn from the Path of the Asshat before all is lost. Because those fires burn hot way down there, man.

And, do these tailgaters actually think that I’m going to go faster just because they’re breathing down my neck? It reminds me of telemarketers — do they really believe that making me annoyed by tying up my phone is going to induce me to go with their service? Same with tailgaters. Taking out their pent-up aggression to get home three minutes faster by endangering themselves and me is really kind of impotent. All it does is make me angry.

Case in point. Some while ago, in the foggy mists of the recent past, I was driving home through a quiet neighborhood back to my house, armed with cappucinos. I was going a hair over 40 on a 35mph street. The entire distance in front of and behind me was empty of vehicles. Post-morning rush hour. The only car was some complete asshole young woman in a black BMW, tailgating me like she was a particular unpleasant breed of tick which had lodged itself in my rear license plate.

She clung to the rear of my car for about a half mile of driving (over the speed limit, mind you) before I became so infuriated that I slowed down, first to the speed limit, then five below. Then ten below. Finally, I came to a dead stop right in the middle of the road.

I tried to glare at her through my rear-view mirror. But instead of perhaps flooring it and whipping round me, or giving me the finger or something, anything, instead I discovered to my horror that she was taking the opportunity of me stopping dead right in the middle of the road to re-apply her makeup in her own rear-view mirror. Like it was completely natural that the car in front of her might come to a complete standstill in the middle of the road and that under no circumstances was it at all possible that it was because she had been tailgating the car in front of her to the point of extreme danger for the last mile.

So I started forward again. And, sure enough, like a lover who cannot bear to be parted from the embrace of her loved one, she proceeded to tailgate me to the extreme tailgating permissable by physical law, until I finally turned off onto the side street which would lead me home, and we were twain.

Why? Why must people do this? This young woman wasn’t even being particularly aggressive. In her case this was like some kind of sick, depraved psychological condition manifesting itself on the road. A need to belong, perhaps? A need to be cozily close to the person ahead of you, to avoid being alone? Had she put on the wrong contact lenses that morning and actually mistakenly believed I was actually a few car-lengths ahead of her? Was she in need of medical of professional assistance?

For those who know it, Foothill Blvd. is a major two-lane thoroughfare that kind of runs parallel to the 210. I cannot count the number of times that I have been driving along at over fifty miles per hour, while someone behind me tailgates me the whole bloody way, even though there are no cars whatsoever in the other lane and they can easily shift over to pass me. Yet they don’t. They just spend the whole way breathing down my neck while I drive and drive and drive and become more and more infuriated. They just cling, oblivious, needy.

In my roundabout sort of unprofessional way, I suppose I’m coming to the conclusion that there are two principal types of tailgaters: those who cling because it is their way, and those who push because they want to go faster and you’re in their way. Both are equally annoying, both must be charged the maximum possible Asshole Fine.

On the German Autobahnen, where nearly two-thirds of the highways have no speed limit, tailgating is a major offense, because it’s so dangerous. Unmarked police cars with camera equipment drive around catching people in the act. Then they cut their heads off. No, they don’t, but I’m told that the ticket bears a heavy price tag. No cop has over pulled over a tailgater here in America in the sum of my experience. Have any of you even heard of someone getting a ticket for tailgating? I’d feel good if you did, but I bet you haven’t.

Tailgaters. Mend your ways before you roast, roast, roast.

I wonder if Shane has made his first million from collecting on the Asshole Fine yet?

reunions and farewells

July 7th, 2006, 11:27 pm

Every once in a while you read something so tremendous that it defines its medium.

Via the reliable Shane Nickerson, I spent a small part of this morning reading the extraordinary multi-part saga of Magazine Man’s quest to find his family dog, Blaze. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so affected, so moved, by a blog post. As if proof was needed, here was proof positive of the peculiar and unique power of blogging.

I won’t spoil the story for you; instead, go read it from the horse’s mouth.

However, MM did ask others if they would share their thoughts regarding their own pets and experiences, in this post. Rather than leave a comment, I thought I’d share my experience here (god knows this damned blog needs some content). MM’s blog doesn’t seem to have a trackback feature, so, MM, if you’re out there, this one’s for you.

Two years ago, in the Springtime, when the Los Angeles Valleys are at their most pure, most golden, most mild, I stepped out into the backyard of my house/remodel project to discover this little person peeking out at me:

She was frightened, exhausted, confused, and had obviously sought my backyard of all places for shelter. Which was a little odd since, to comply with city codes regarding swimming pools, my backyard is completely enclosed behind fences of various description. The only way this little dog could have gotten into the yard was by burrowing through the tiny little gap beneath one of my always-locked gates (a fact I didn’t discover until later — I spent most of the day assuming she had dropped out of the sky). In other words, she had to really work at it to get entry; she could not have just casually waltzed in.

She was a bit dirty, a bit tired, and probably a bit hungry, but she was also obviously well cared for, with a nice little collar (though, unfortunately, lacking any kind of identification); obviously someone’s beloved pet. I assumed she had escaped from some neighbor’s house earlier that morning.

So I started knocking on doors. And knocked. And knocked and knocked. No-one had lost a dog. No-one had heard of someone who had lost a dog. I began to second-guess my original supposition: had she been abandoned? I still didn’t think it was likely; she just seemed too well-loved, too well-fed.

After conferring with some local animal shelters, and not wanting to hand her over to a shelter that might well end up putting her to sleep, I brought her inside (she had warmed to me very quickly) and made up a makeshift bed for her in my laundry room. She slept like a log.

The next day, it was back to knocking on doors. Spreading the word. I made up “Dog Found” posters, and put them on prominent telephone poles, on the bulletin board at the local Petsmart, called shelters and gave them her description, should her owners call. Everything, in fact, that I could think to do to reconnect her with her owners.

A week, more, passed with no response. In the meantime, she took to living with me in the house. I fed her and played with her, and gave her a name: Piglet. She seemed to be part Chihuahua, part Jack Russell Terrier, and likely no older than six months or so, though this was nothing more than guesswork.

By the time a week had stretched to near a fortnight, Piglet had really become a part of the family. I looked forward to being greeted by her when I returned home. I started to fall in love with her personality, and her quirks, and the way she would stand between my shins and the kitchen cabinet when I stood at the sink.

Guiltily, I realized that a part of me was hoping her owners would not come to claim her, that she could be a part of my family now. But another part of me screamed that giving up on finding her real owners was wrong, that there was undoubtedly a family out there, somewhere, who were worried and miserable and needed her. I couldn’t just give up on them.

Much as I tried to distance myself from Piglet, though, to keep myself from becoming too attached, I realized that every further day she lived with us was another step away from being able to lose her with any kind of equanimity should her owners materialize.

With my conscience lashing me on, I redoubled my efforts to find her owners. I placed even more posters in an even wider area beyond my house, focusing on some big intersections in the area which see a lot of commuter traffic. I took down some numbers from some lost dog signs I’d seen and got in touch with the owners, but nothing panned out.

Then, I got a hesitant, guarded call. The caller’s friend had seen my poster and passed it along. The woman was cautiously hopeful. When she said she lived in Monrovia, two towns distant, I thought she couldn’t possibly be the right owner — Piglet would have had to have walked miles to get to my house, crossing a number of very busy and dangerous city roads in the process. And the day was wrong: the woman had lost her dog a full twenty-four hours before I discovered Piglet in my backyard, and I was still operating under the assumption that Piglet had escaped the same morning I’d found her. It didn’t seem possible that the dog I had discovered next to my pool had just spent twenty four hours wandering residential streets, weaving through traffic, and undoubtedly fleeing the coyotes which wander the area. Could it?

I asked her to describe the dog to me. Amazingly, he description matched Piglet perfectly.

“Was she wearing a collar?” I asked.

“Yes. It was pink.”

I blinked. “The dog I found has a pink collar.”

“Oh my God. That’s my baby.” She was on the verge of tears.

“I think you’d better come over.”

But I was still cautious. I had to be absolutely certain. When the caller arrived I took her into the backyard, then went inside and brought Piglet out to her. At twenty paces Piglet paused and barked tentatively, not rescuing her. “She’s forgotten me,” the woman said fearfully.

Then recognition set in and Piglet dashed over and leapt into the woman’s arms. The way the woman held her upside-down, the obvious familiarity and relish with which Piglet kissed her face — it was dead-obvious to whose family she really belonged.

Damn. I was about to lose a dog.

I helped the woman get into her car, gave her the extra cans of food and the couple of toys I’d bought for Piglet during her stay, all the while deflecting the woman’s tearful and effusive thanks. While I was happy for her, I kind of wanted her to leave, quickly. Because I wasn’t feeling that happy. I was losing a dog. I knew I had done the right thing but, you know, I had gotten close to that crazy little Chihuahua Terrier.

She insisted on hugging me. Then, on her way to the car, the woman said, “You’ll be hearing from me. You’ll definitely hear from me.”

“Great,” I said. “I’d love to hear how Piglet’s doing.” Only that wasn’t the dog’s real name. It was something else, some French name. I think I continued to call her Piglet anyway.
The woman got in the car and drove away, and that was the last I saw of Piglet. The woman never did contact me. I suppose I never expected that she would.

Some stories have happy endings. Magazine Man got his ass kicked and he drove a thousand miles, but Blaze is back where he belongs with two overjoyed kids. Blaze is home. A family lost their beloved Chihuahua-Terrier who was kept safe for her until they could be reunited again. Not all stories of lost pets end happily. I wish they all did.

Magazine Man’s saga is damned amazing, told by someone who truly knows how to tap the unique power of blogging. He uses extraordinary words to describe an extraordinary sequence of events.

I’m simply chuffed to bits that he got his dog back again. I feel gratified to have been able to read his words. And I feel good that I kept at it until that family in Monrovia got their dog back again.

There’s an epilogue to my tale. Six months later, after much deliberation, I welcomed a new member to my family:

I named him Toby.