Tesco … of California?!

September 21st, 2007, 10:08 am

Somebody told me of this yesterday and I simply could not believe it to be true. However, research this morning has proved this to be correct –

Forget The Beatles.

Forget David Beckham.

Forget Doctor Who.

The true British Invasion of America has begun.

Tesco is opening a line of supermarkets in the US, starting basically right down the street from me.fresh & easy logo, courtesy of Wikipedia

Los Angeles, as usual, is being the test-market guinea pig.

Oh, they’re being all cloak-and-dagger and all by giving themselves a different name (”fresh & easy” is the official name) but don’t let that fool you. It’s still Tesco.

I should have known this was coming when I started seeing HSBC Banks popping up all over the place (”Bringing you great British drama”).

You can see some photos of ugly parking lots with construction signs proving my words here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fresh_%26_Easy.

What’s next? Driving on the left side of the road, for friggin’ sakes?!

I do hear that they’re going to compete directly with Whole Foods, which might help knock those bastards’ prices down. I, for one, shall rejoice.

sometime world pass me by again

September 16th, 2007, 10:17 am

Recently, I took a look over my list of read classic science fiction and found that it was wanting. Driven with a mad desire to succeed at any cost, I launched forth to overcome this deficiency in my character and consume those works of the genre that were glaringly absent from my I’ve-read-that list.Original cover, courtesy of Wikipedia

One such work of classic science fiction is one that is probably missing from many an American’s list, especially those born from the 1970s onward. Until recently, I believe that this particular book was hard to come by in the US. In any event, it was completely under my radar until I chanced to learn of it in the most unlikely of places.

When they’re not grunting like primeval apes, passing out from alcohol consumption, or preoccupied with shopping for the latest leather S&M gear, members of the classic metal band Judas Priest can actually form complete sentences. Unsurprisingly to anyone who listens to their lyrics, lyric-writer and vocalist Rob Halford (who once looked sorta normal, unlike his current incarnation as an Earth-bound Vogon escaped convict) is a fan of science-fiction (you can’t hear it, but as I wrote this I said “science-fiction” with a bad Birmingham accent, just to get in the Priest mood). Happening to watch a documentary recently about the band, I heard Rob Halford mention John Wyndham’s 1951 British sci-fi classic Day of the Triffids as an example of science-fiction he loves. Not having heard of this novel before, I instantly declared that if Mr. Rob Halford liked it, then goddamnit so would I.

And I did. A lot.

I just finished the book a few days ago, a nice slim volume that doesn’t fart around like, oh, Robert Jordan, but just gets right on with it, so committing to reading it takes slightly less time than writing a doctoral thesis, or building a pyramid.

Briefly, the story tells of survivors of an apocalypse brought on by humankind’s stupidity and arrogance, two separate catastrophes which unite to utterly destroy civilization, and nearly everyone on the earth, in the most unsettling and disturbing of ways — when a satellite loaded with nasty bacteriological weapons crashes to the earth in a spectacular worldwide light show, it blinds all who watch it. Our hero Bill, recuperating from an accident to his eyes, has missed the whole thing, and removes the bandages to discover a world that doesn’t work anymore. Chaos ensues, and typical post-apocalyptic violence results, while Bill struggles to survive and eventually to locate the handful of others who through pure luck missed the light show, and saved their sight.

But that’s not the end of humanity’s suffering. From somewhere in the heart of Soviet Russia, a genetic-modification experiment gone wrong has resulted in the Triffid, a plant that gets up and walks, and has a nasty habit of lashing out with a poison whip that instantly kills its victim. After a nice ripening process, the Triffid then proceeds to scoop up the flesh of the festering corpse.

With humanity blinded and incapacitated, the Triffids take over, and things get bad very, very quickly.

Day of the Triffids is a post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel before there was a genre called The Post-Apocalyptic Science-Fiction Novel, published years before books like A Canticle for Liebowitz and I Am Legend solidified the stereotypes and established the term. There were obviously grim views of the future (a British specialty), but none so typically post-apocalyptic as this book. From a plot point of view, this story would not have felt at all out of place in the more jaded climate of the 1970s, or even the 1980s. Without artifice, John Wyndham wrote a quintessential survival story in a world irretrievably destroyed.

I’ve been peculiarly interested in the post-apocalyptic novel of late, since I’m knee-deep in my own little composition of the genre. Day of the Triffids proved a particularly enriching read, as Wyndham masterfully exploited the possibilities of the genre to mine immense riches of character and drama. The hero Bill struggles through not just the exigencies and miseries of outer world, but his own internal turmoil, fighting within himself to have a reason to even go on. Post-apocalyptic novels can illuminate the human capacity for hope like no other, and I have yet to read a novel which illustrates it so well as Day of the Triffids.

Tackling the idea of bacteriological warfare and genetic-modification is startlingly prescient for 1951. Indeed, it was so far ahead of its time that it is only now, in the 21st century, that the concepts seem at all timely, particularly the genetic-modification theme. In our current climate, when scientists fiddle with nature by affixing animal genes to plants, suddenly the concept of creating a plant which walks and eats flesh is not so very far-fetched after all.

I grew up on British literature of all types, from When the Tripods Came to Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, from P.G. Wodehouse to Arthur Conan Doyle, and discovering a classic written in the literary style I love so much which had somehow passed me by, is a wondrous treat indeed. Had this same story been composed by an American, it would have been so different, in texture, in attitude. Anyone who has ever read a novel by a great 20th Century British novelist knows what I’m talking about. The quality is ineffable, but inescapable.

Humorously, author Brian Aldiss dubbed Day of the Triffids a “cosy catastrophe”, without meaning irony, and I’m damned if he didn’t hit the nail on the head with the term. For even among the dreadful misery and horrors that we experience in the book, there is a grounded, solid and imperturbable core of domesticity and warmth in the English character that even man-eating plants and bacteriological catastrophes cannot diminish. And it’s wonderful.

One of the great classics of science-fiction.

Next up: another of Wyndham’s masterpieces, The Midwich Cuckoos (twice adapted to film as Village of the Damned)

photo from Wikipedia

the wheel in the sky keeps on turning

September 5th, 2007, 12:07 pm

One of my least favorite things to do in the world — only slightly more tolerable than being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to Vogon poetry — is waiting around all day for service/tech/sales/uniformed people to come and service something/install something/sell something/shoot something.

They like to give you these “windows” of time, like “sometime around the Fifth of September, give or take a week”, and it’s pretty much impossible to get any work done while you’re sitting around waiting them to make their “window”, even if you work out of the house.

I have a sneaking suspicion that these service people actually get a perverse pleasure out of knowing that their crappy little fifteen minute repair job is going to devour six or seven hours of your life … and that’s assuming they don’t get lost and have to call you fifteen times on their cell phone because they can’t figure out the difference between Apple Avenue in Palos Verdes and Orange Avenue in Pasadena.

At this very moment I am sitting in my chair waiting for some satellite installer to come and upgrade my dish and give me a nice, spanking new HD DVR for my DirecTV and HD rig.

This makes me nervous.

This makes me nervous because it is the first time since subscribing to DirecTV eight years ago that someone other than myself has installed my satellite system. I’m what you call a Type-Tech-A personality, which means that I always, always, always build my own computer systems, repair my own computer systems, install my own satellite dishes, realign my own satellite dishes, etc.

Since some stranger is scheduled to come and fiddle with my own fucking equipment, I have some personal growth to take care of. I have to learn to let go. To trust. To delegate. All those mature types of things. I’m an adult. I can do it. I can grow.

And if the guy does anything even remotely stupid (which is likely) I will calmly retrieve my mature kitchen knife, maturely stab him in his stupid little eye, and maturely kick his ass off my property so I can install my own dish. Five LNBs and all.

shiver

September 3rd, 2007, 4:02 pm

I like Wil Wheaton’s little Twitter post about today, which uses the word “fucking” and “hot” four or five times, and about nothing else.

Short, but sweet. Indeed, the man is right. I just got home from Whole Foods and it’s so hot that … well, that the air is not cool and human beings are unhappy. Yeah. I’m a wordsmith.

Okay, so on the way home, I saw the asshole of the day, and wanted to share his assholeness with you:

I’m driving along a 35-mph street, and a car passes me going the other way, said car being tailed in the most assholeish manner by an asshole in his asshole car. Nothing special in that. Lots of assholes in asshole cars along the road.

The only thing is that this asshole also happened to be reading a copy of LA Weekly while he tailed the person in front of him in his asshole-mobile.

I give him four out of five asshole-stars for putting some real effort into being an asshole.